Recently, I was asked the question, what aspect of the church has been the most influential in your life, and I answered a safe go to answer as I always do. I said what means the most to me is the consistency of church and school friends and families. Which is true. Is it the most influential in my life, to me specifically, no. I played it safe, with a safe answer because the deeper truth, that is scary to speak out loud and not know how it will be received and the funny thing is most of the people at that table actually know my story and yet I was still afraid and played it safe. The truth is much deeper than this and isn’t specifically what space in the church that has been the most impactful but really, what God has done for me through Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The story is much more about the saving grace of Jesus, patience of God and clarity in my soul from the Holy Spirit.
I grew up in church, St Paul Presbyterian church, my mom or grandparents took me and my sister every Sunday morning. I grew up in this small church community and everyone knew me or so they thought; from eating playdough in the nursery, to learning the Bible stories in Sunday school and memorizing the books of the Bible for prizes, to joining the church and getting baptized at the age of 12 (yep, you read that right, not as a baby but sprinkled at 12). Then on to the youth and weekend retreats at Austin College, I knew what it looked like to be a Christian, or so I thought. I knew Jesus’ stories and knew God loved people but I didn’t truly understand, I didn’t fully get the depth of God’s love and Jesus’ saving grace. I didn’t know because I didn’t stop to challenge it, to filter it through my life, I didn’t test these truths against my reality. In all honesty, I didn’t know my reality, I didn’t know myself. I placed everything I didn’t know how to handle or what to do with on a shelf in a dark room and shut the door. If there was anything that challenged bringing these things to light, it would be added to the dark and ran away from. That is until God opened that dark room and turned on the light, the suddenness of this was disorienting and blinding. The floor fell out of my world and I was falling so fast, I no longer remembered what it felt like to feel the floor underneath me. Years went by trudging through the things that had been shelved in that room, prayer and therapy became the places I began gaining some sort of grasp at understanding; by talking them out and learning new coping mechanisms but medication was needed as well to give me the floor feeling that I lost and had not yet found. I still went to church but now even more than before, I knew it wasn’t for me. I believed in God and had heard Him over time but my dark was too dark to be accepted in the community of God. So I went for my family and the legacy I was giving them growing up in a church. I sat on the outside of a glass bubble, I could see the people I knew joyously singing, laughing, and living out their lives in God’s presence knowing I could never join. I wasn’t qualified. That is what society and culture had taught me in that darkness. Jesus saves everyone but your kind. Even the church bylines at one point read you are not allowed to join this church. That is what the enemy wanted me to believe and I did. I bought it hook line and sinker, and almost lost my life, drown by that sinker. One Sunday, I remember standing at the back of the church during worship and observing everyone sing and praise Jesus and thinking, “man, I wish with my whole heart I could just be a part of this.”
Then a friend dragged me to a Bible study on the book of James by Beth Moore, little did I know, over the next 6 weeks God was going to work powerfully through those words and bring that glass bubble down. Beth’s story and her ability to deliver God’s Word through this Bible study shook me to my core and in that shaking my glass bubble began to crack. The cracks grew and the goodness of God started seeping through and I began to experience the beauty that was God. I began to feel the joy seeping down deep in my soul. The song The Garden by Kari Jobe was exactly what it felt like, I even learned to play it on the piano it spoke to me so deeply. But I still didn’t think I could join the church and become a member of church community. I could be truly saved by Jesus and embrace the joy offered but community no way. So I still sat at the back of church watching everyone else participate in community. Years went by again and the pastor preached a sermon about the devil using excuses to convince people to not move, everything that kept me from moving was a lie from the devil and needed to be recognized as such. What?! Me convincing myself that I could not be a part of the community, that my membership at the church was not needed or wanted, was a sneaky way the devil was keeping me on the outside!! It sounds simple and ridiculous written, but he is so good at twisting those thoughts just so and just enough to make it seem very real and make sense but it is not, it was more empty ideas and excuses set up to block my path.
So I joined the church! Is this a joyous ending to all of the fears and lies believed?
No way, this is baby steps taken in trepidation putting every step in full trust that Jesus has me and when I get distracted, when I begin to fall; I just have to look up and ask Jesus to save me again, and again, and again, and He does. Have I fully committed to community? (read prior post) Not entirely because peopling on a deeper level is still scary. Baby steps. I am getting better a recognizing the lies, but that just means the devil will work harder, and so will I.
This is my “not safe” answer to what has been the most impactful thing to me at church; it was joining the church, as my whole self, fully exposed, I shared my story of God clearing out my darkness and was accepted. The devils lies were and are brought to light by reading the Word and changing my life through the Holy Spirit’s guidance, and time spent on my knees in prayer constantly begging for redemption, clarity, and truth. It wasn’t one event or group or even all at the same church but it was the Holy Spirit nudging, Jesus reaching out His hand, and the Lord calling me into His own that saved me from the lies, set me on a better path, and continues to do so. Daily.